Critical: My Blood Valentine (1981)

Critical is a series of examinations about media in popular culture. It's an explicit look, which means those who don't want key plot points revealed to you should likely avoid continuing. Critical does not even know what the word spoilers MEANS.

Missed opportunities. That's what this movie is.

Imagine, for a moment, how many movies you have seen where there is a love triangle. Main Character and Other Guy are both trying to win the hand of That Girl, but Other Guy is a Secret Asshole, so you know Main Character is going to end up with That Girl. It's a trope that repeats itself time and time again in practically every facet of the media. Usually, Other Guy will get his comeuppance at the climax of the film where That Girl realizes what a jerk Other Guy is, and the type of movie you are watching determines the comeuppance. In a comedy, for instance, That Girl realizes Other Guy is cheating on her and dumps him for Main Character. In a horror movie, That Girl will realize Other Guy is cheating on her, and then Other Guy will probably be decapitated by Jason Voorhees. Such is life.

Now, take My Bloody Valentine, a pretty decent slasher movie from the 80's (81, to be precise, so this movie is as old as I am). You have Main Character, Other Guy, and That Girl. Other Guy, of course, is a Secret Asshole. However, TJ is just as much as a Secret Asshole as Axel, because TJ basically dumped Sarah and all his friends to head for the West Coast some time ago without a word of explanation. Now that he is back in town, he's doing everything he can to steal his ex-girlfriend from his ex-best friend, all while playing shuffleboard with his hairy chest bared and rocking a neckerchief. So, TJ is not someone to root for by any means. Even considering the main antagonist is (presumably) a cannibal who hates Valentine's Day so much that he is going to kill anyone who dares have a Valentine's Day Party.

How refreshing it would have been to have a love triangle where both Main Character and Other Guy were both decent guys fighting for the same girl. Present us with two viable outcomes to keep up guessing a little bit, even present a bit of sympathy for the guy she doesn't pick because it wasn't like he was unworthy of her, he just didn't end up being the lucky one.

Or, even better, what if Main Character was the Secret Asshole and That Girl knew about it. Other Guy turned out to be the decent one and ended up winning the girl, while the Main Character gets shafted, and rightly so. But no, TJ may be a Secret Asshole, but he's also The Main Character, so Other Guy is going to end up doing something awful in the last ten minutes of the film and TJ is going to get Sarah no matter how much you wish he took a pickax to the face.

Speaking of pickaxes, hopefully you like them. Hopefully, you like them a lot, because that is pretty much the only way someone in this movie is going to die. Pickax, pickax, pickax, pickax, pickax, nail gun, meat hook, death by hot dog. A variety hour, this really is not. On the plus side of the equation, the effects are pretty well done and a lot gorier than I've seen from other movies released around that time. Eyeballs hang out, people get cooked in a dryer (post mortem, however), people get hung on a meat hook and shoot bloody from their mouths like a fountain, it looks good. Most of the footage itself of these gory bits is grainy and washed out, but that's because all the good stuff was cut from the theatrical release and clearly was not handled very well between 1981 and 2009, but while it's noticeable it's not enough of a detriment to the film to warrant further discussion.

One final thing I'd like to mention about this movie is the acting. It's not great, and really it's not even very good. But it never gets to the level of Night of the Demons or Sleepaway Camp III, and a few of the characters play things just campy enough to be enjoyable, so this is right up my alley. My Bloody Valentine is definitely worth a rental, if not a purchase, and the plot is significantly different enough from last year's remake that you might even be caught off guard a time or two.